Editor’s note: Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and contributor on the topic of relationships for CNN. His most recent book is a guide for couples, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”
CNN
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Do you walk around resenting your partner? Do you dread coming home from work as much as, if not more than, going to work? Are you too tired for date night, much less the sex that might follow? When you think of the future, does it feel like it’s just going to be more of the same?
Those can all be signs of relationship burnout, and it’s possible you’ve got it.
Most therapists deal with patients who are either burned out or burning out: exhausted, stressed, feeling cynical and even indifferent. As a couples therapist, I’m increasingly seeing clients who are experiencing relationship burnout.
These couples are similarly stressed out and exhausted with all the demands at home, but they also resent their partners, feel a sense of growing incompatibility, only see a future where nothing is going to change or have stopped believing in the future with their partner.
When I talk to couples, many don’t understand that they can get burned out from their relationships the same as they can from their jobs. And just as you can recover from burnout in your job, you can also recover from it in your relationship — or move on from a situation that’s no longer healthy for you.
I consulted some colleagues for their insight into the causes of relationship burnout — and how couples can address it.
Intimate relationships need care and feeding, just like friendships do.
“Relationship burnout is a state of emotional exhaustion that develops when the pressures and demands of maintaining a relationship outweigh the resources and support available to nurture it,” Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist and codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, told me.
Burnout doesn’t just affect couples emotionally. It can also have a profound impact on sex and intimacy, said New York City-based psychotherapist Eva Dillon: “When one or both individuals are experiencing emotional or mental exhaustion, it often leads to emotional withdrawal, decreased libido, and a decline in both intimacy and sexual activity.”
Several factors can contribute to relationship burnout, from an unequal division of labor at home (one partner has more household responsibilities), lack of work-life balance (one or both partners feel burned out at work), family stressors (conflicts with parents or in-laws), lack of growth as a couple (falling into repetitive routines) and boredom (sexually or emotionally).
“It doesn’t usually come from a single rupture or acute crisis,” said Needle, who is based in West Palm Beach, Florida. “It’s the slow accumulation and gradual wear and tear of unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, chronic stressors, and ongoing disconnection.”
Here, Needle, Dillon and other experts offer advice for couples to cope with burnout and reenergize their relationship.
Recognizing that the relationship has gotten to a state of burnout is the first step, according to sexologist and sex educator Yvonne Kristin Fulbright — who said the key is to do so without blaming or criticizing each other.
“Own your statements by saying, ‘I’ve noticed’ or ‘I feel’ and ask how your partner has been feeling about things,” said Fulbright, who is based in Iceland. “Have an honest heart-to-heart about the stressors and frustrations so that each person has a chance to share without interruption.”
Part of burnout can include blaming each other and not being accountable for the state of things.
“With relationship burnout, partners often think the solution is for their partner to change,” said Eric Rosenblum, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City. “But the best way through is to consider your own role in the dynamic and reflect on how you can personally transform to help the relationship evolve.”
Some of this work can even happen on your own, without your partner, said New York City sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll.
“Try writing down the moments when your negative feelings or thoughts are pointing at your partner,” Sokoll said by email. “Next, see if you can turn your gaze to the other side of the concern, which is your contribution, how you’ve collaborated with your partner in co-creating the problem. Write this down too. You don’t have to show it to anybody — just see how it feels to write it down.”
Burnout often worsens because couples ignore issues until they feel overwhelmed. Set aside some time each week to check in with your partner.
“Have a two-way conversation about your desire to improve the relationship where you can both have input,” Sokoll suggested. “Listen to each other’s needs and look for small changes you can both agree on. This shouldn’t be a one-time conversation, but an ongoing one.”
The prospect of discussing serious issues can feel stressful, but communication can help you feel more relaxed, according to Dillon.
“Sharing with your partner that you are struggling can help regulate the nervous system and create an opening for connection,” she said. “From there, you can engage in small but powerful acts that further soothe the nervous system: a six-second kiss, an extended embrace, a walk outdoors, cuddling, reading aloud or sexual intimacy.”
Prioritizing couple time is crucial for preventing burnout. Protect this time and schedule it just as you would an important appointment or work meeting.
Needle recommends focusing on novel experiences — such as trying a new class together, going on a hike or even just cooking a new recipe — to reignite connection and excitement. Novelty and playfulness can also help you connect in a way that doesn’t feel like work, Sokoll said.
“Put your phones in another room with the ringers off and play a game or do something silly together,” she said. And there’s a bonus: “The playful self is often connected to the sexual self, so this can help burned-out couples reconnect sexually, too.”
When you share your life with your partner — financially, as parents, as roommates — it can be easy to miss out on alone time and self-reflection, both of which are necessary to protect against burnout.
“At the end of the day, you need to deal with individual burnout to help address relationship burnout,” Fulbright said. Consider ways to rejuvenate yourself independently — a workout routine, quality sleep, yoga, meditation, hobbies — and encourage each other in your self-care efforts. “In revitalizing yourself, you’ll cultivate the energy needed to take on relationship matters.”
When it comes to addressing your relationship, you don’t have to go it alone. Seeking professional help with a couples therapist or sex therapist can provide strategies to manage burnout and reconnect emotionally and sexually, especially if you feel you need a neutral party or mediator to guide you through the process.
There’s no need to wait: “Working with a therapist when burnout first appears can help reset dynamics before deeper damage occurs,” Needle said.
Addressing burnout is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship — and it’s about moving from patterns of disconnection to patterns of intentional reconnection. By recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps, couples can work toward restoring intimacy and connection.
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